My Blog

Love is a decision.

fuelled by the desire of something unattainable…. or a goal far enough to keep the drive, yet attainable in the far future to keep the hope.

if something is too readily available, we lose interest. except if it really goes beyond our expectations and we are awed by it being available. even then, complacency settles in.

In a way, relationships based on desiring the other, for the sake of the other, dies down after the chase is over…. It is common knowledge that once a couple gets married, trouble starts. Because what was wished for has been obtained, it’s hard to keep the romance and to "work for it"… trying to get the other’s attention.

A relationship based on religion would have a longer lifetime, since there is something external that binds the two together. It can stand the tests of change of personality, change in moods, changes in likes and dislikes - which happen in everybody over the course of their lives.

if, in addition to this, the religion teaches self-giving and directs the couple towards aiming at each other’s happiness, then they have a good foundation for a life giving and fulfilling relationship.

When people get together for the first time, it depends very much on their state of minds, on the timing, on what they have in common at that time. Some like to play tennis, they spend more time together playing tennis, get to enjoy each other’s company… and eventually they get together, despite not playing tennis anymore. Then, the time of self-discovery and the thrill of it is enough to keep them going. Stuck to each other. But eventually something external has to come in to keep them connected. Often it’s kids, mutual friends, other hobbies they pick up.

i’m just blabbering.

the thought that came to my mind while having all these random thoughts was this. How does God love us?

Love is a decision.

God is Love.

Thus God has decided to love us. Whether we are worthy of it or not. Whether we deserve it or not. Whether we do good or bad.

Like lovers, who has committed himself or herself to the other, God is Faithful. and ever constant.

He has decided to love us, and nothing would change his mind. Nothing can, nothing will.

That doesn’t exclude the fact that He will correct us and sometimes even shake us up. But His Love is constant.

…gives me an insight on how to truly love others. it’s not only about smiling and being nice. Love is beyond emotions, beyond chemistry, beyond instincts.
Love is a decision, and that’s what makes humanity divine…

—–

we want to love someone Else… because we want to be with someone/something/somewhere that is More than what we are. outside of our world.
in a way, we then realise with awe, that the universe is not part of our construct. but is embelished through the interactions with the many others surrounding us.

—–

infatuation is the same chemical reaction in the brain as a large dose of chocolate.

—–

i’m having lots of chocolate now… Venezuela Bitter. Oishi desu yo!

L’amour a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
- Blaise Pascal -

Aimer, ce n’est pas se regarder l’un l’autre, c’est regarder ensemble dans la même direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -

Savez-vous bien ce que c’est qu’aimer ? C’est mourir en soi pour revivre en autrui.
- Honoré d’Urfé -

Aimer, c’est n’avoir plus droit au soleil de tout le monde. On a le sien.
- Marcel Jouhandeau -

J’étais à toi peut-être avant de t’avoir vu.
Ma vie, en se formant, fut promise à la tienne ;
Ton nom m’en avertit par un trouble imprévu
Ton âme s’y cachait pour éveiller la mienne.
- Marceline Desbordes-Valmore -

Je suis perdu, vois-tu, je suis noyé, inondé d’amour ; je ne sais plus si je vis, si je mange, si je respire, si je parle ; je sais que je t’aime.
- Alfred de Musset -

L’amour de donne rien qui ne vienne de lui
L’amour ne retire rien qui ne soit en lui
L’amour ne captive pas d’avantage qu’il n’est captivé
Car l’amour ne vit que dans l’amour.
- Khalil Gibran -

Doutez que les étoiles ne soient de flamme
Doutez que le soleil n’accomplisse son tour
Doutez que la vérité soit menteuse infâme
Mais ne doutez jamais de mon amour.
- William Shakespeare -

Otez l’amour de la vie, vous en ôtez les plaisirs.
- Molière -

La vie ne vaut d’être vécue sans amour.
- Serge Gainsbourg -

Le centre de toute bonté et de toute joie est l’amour.
- Herman Hesse -

L’amour a son instinct, il sait trouver le chemin du coeur comme le plus faible insecte marche à sa fleur avec une irrésistible volonté.
- Honoré de Balzac -

Quand on aime quelqu’un, c’est effrayant comme on pense peu aux autres…
- Marcel Pagnol -

a thought just ran across my mind yesterday.

I’m having a strange feeling nowadays - of time limits.

I have 4 days left of the Golden Week.

I have 11 months left in Japan.

And about 40 to 60 years left on earth. (hopefully)

Not a lot i think.

Wanted to tidy my room today - and as usual ended up sleeping and chatting and sleeping… and waking up late - dashed for a shower, ran to the train station (and made the cleansing effect of the shower obsolete… but hey, after running so much for the train, my stamina is starting to build up again!).. and amaizingly enough i made it in time for the entrance song. Re-reading the Lord Of The Rings - The Two Towers. Amaizing how Aragorn, Legolas and Gimly together sound like me, my head turning and churning all the questions in my mind - about "le pour et le contre" , good and bad and possible consequences of actions plans to follow…

anyway. that wasn’t the point. I have 4 days of GW left… what am i going to do? Going to Nikko tomorrow, for one whole day. After that there will only be Friday left before the weekend… and Monday will be the start of a very busy week. UHV STM!!!!

That brings me to the 2nd paragraph…. 11 months left in Japan. 7 months passed by already!!!

Project wise, i need to finish everything by … 5 months time. that’s… end of September! besides that…. what am i to do in Japan? Time pass by, seems quite long … but 11 months is not that long actually.

and if 11 months is not that long… 40 x 11 months won’t be that long too…. *lol*

Thus i am living with this realisation: I am not here to stay.
Yet, i am quite glad, to know that there is something "more" that awaits, and from that comes peace, and actually from that comes purpose - purpose in life. To live well now, and leave like a painting behind, a beautiful art work, woven by my very life, and days.

I miss my times in the choir. when we sung all those old songs with clashing notes…
this might sound weird, but i learned to appreciate hardships because of these clashing notes… because (in a composition) they always have a greater purpose. A blending chord sounds so much more serene after a whole lot of clashing ones. "Taverner - The Lamb" is a perfect example. The Whole song is made of clashing notes … except for the chorus. And when the Chorus is sung, it instills such a wonderful peace to the listener…  and a smile the first time i heard it. haha maybe that’s how i feel right now. My life is a string of clashing notes - with the knowledge that the chorus would be sweet and melodious. And such knowledge doesn’t only make the clashing chord bearable, but even invokes some beauty in the experience. "Beauty lies in contrasts".

Allegri’s "Miserere mei, Deus" - my favourite after "Agnus Dei" from Barber. Clashing notes… again…

It’s hard thought - to be able to see our own lives like a composition, with the overall beauty of the song of our lives….

40~60 years left to live. Just a glimpse in Mankind’s existance….

What shall i be doing?

Japan is a very, very different country from any others. Singapore might be searching for it’s cultural identity, as well as Mauritius which claims a very diverse cultural background, yet none of it’s own unless it being a blend of multitudes, a multi-coloured rainbow with it’s colours blending into each other and all united into a single arc. Culture and traditions are some of the ways we find ourselves "fitting" in our environment, besides language that unite people of course… or alienate those who can’t speak it. Thus being a "gaijin", a foreigner in Japan can be quite a confusing experience. Japan has a very deep-rooted, and a very beautiful culture! And the people here have their own set of rules, social norms ranging from the way they eat, the tea drinking ceremonies, the fact that being late signifies lacking respect for those waiting (*gulp*), the way that work and company is of primary importance in someone’s life… It’s hard, if not impossible, to feel at home in Japan. It’s possible to feel happy, comfortable, enjoying … but not really "at home".

Let’s see something else. I if say "MaNGo" … how many of you would think of the fruit? or wouldn’t rather the stylish girls, the clothes and the brand name come to mind? And what’s fashion for? to look good, to feel good about ourselves, and to be more appreciated by others? to "fit in"…?

Yet…

_____________________

John 15:18-21
Jesus said to his disciples:
"If the world hates you,
realize that it hated me first.
If you belonged to the world,
the world would love its own;
but because you do not belong to the world,
and I have chosen you out of the world,
the world hates you.
Remember the word I spoke to you,
‘No slave is greater than his master.’
If they persecuted me,
they will also persecute you.
If they kept my word,
they will also keep yours.
And they will do all these things to you on account of my name,
because they do not know the one who sent me."

______________________

After reading that, my feelings of wanting to belong to a group of people, to feel that I belong to something, to someone, were all dashed. And confusion ensues.

I don’t think, in today’s society, that when Jesus mentioned "the world" … he referred to "the people in the world". People won’t hate you because you don’t eat meat on Friday (besides the pork-chop seller maybe), or if you volunteer for a humanitarian cause, or spend endless rehearsal hours for the church choir. But self-sacrifice for a higher cause, self-giving unto others are not popular beliefs.

"The world" has it’s own values. Be successful, hang out with people of greater influence, have more money, get all the 5 C’s - Cash, Condo, Car, Credit Card, Country Club … and people would look up to you, appreciate you better, and you will feel happy. If you want something, work hard for it, by all means, at all costs.

Man as it’s own master. Thus the ever quest of Man for power; power over situations, over peoples, over nations. "The World" contains and leads to a set of criteria that swirls down into … a "culture of death". Is it surprising therefore when Jesus says "If the world hates you, realize that it hated me first" …? Ultimately, everything ranging from Money to crystal ball reading and Magic teaches us this: Self-sufficiency - As compared to leaning and relying on Divine Providence and having total trust in God’s Unconditional Love for us.

Michael Card’s "That’s what faith must be".
To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That’s what faith must be

To live in this world, yet remember that we are not of the world. Here as ambassadors, and as witnesses of a greater truth - that there is happiness, Peace, Love and Joy in living a God-filled life, even when thevalues that then direct our lives are in total contradiction with what the world says would bring us happiness.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s "Not Home Yet".

To all the travelers
Pilgrims longing for a home
From one who walks with you
On this journey called life’s road
It is a long and winding road

From one who’s seen the view
And dreamt of staying on the mountains high
And one who’s cried like you
Wanting so much just to lay down and die
I offer this, we must remember this

We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet

So close your eyes with me
And hear the Father saying, "welcome home"
Let us find the strength
In all His promises to carry on
He said, "I go prepare a place for you"
So let us not forget

We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet

I know there’ll be a moment
I know there’ll be a place
Where we will see our Saviour
And fall in His embrace
So let us not grow weary
Or too content to stay
‘Cause we are not home yet
We are not home yet
Not home yet
So let us journey on

We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet

I hope you would be able to listen to it sung by Steven Curtis Chapman.
It’s a wonderful song, and a powerful reminder.

And thus, as we journey on this road, in this life, may we recognise the
"other" as pilgrims too, and because of love, and compassion, may we
embrace our friends and ultimately the whole of humanity, to lead each
other towards that for which we are in this world: to be united with God.
And this can start Now. 

______________________

Prayer: Lord, may we open our hearts to you, in all circumstances of life,
at all times.

Thanksgiving: For our friends, brothers and sisters in Christ who
constantly reminds us of life’s greater purpose.

(written as sharing for Oxygen)

Courting.

Boy sees girl. Attraction. Girl sees boy. Attraction.

why?

…because of the mystery. because they don’t know each other… because the "other" is "different".
The dynamics are kind of different as soon as they get to know each other, but before that, would i be wrong to say that it is a double one sided interest? The guy seeing the girl would have an idea, would create an image, and an assumption of what kind of girl she is, and vice versa. There are hints: the clothes, the poise, makeup, hairdo, colours, gaze… maybe the voice, the laughter, or lack of it. Thousands of things that they try to pick up from the non verbal, non interactive (it’s always good to see how someone behaves with his/her friends to get a better idea of what kind of person he/she is… right?) - and while they both try to figure out what the other is like, something registers: he/she’s looking/observing/scaling me… and that interest that someone else has about us - is thrilling. To feel that we are more than a mere mortal, that we are important, even if it be the glimpse of an eye or the lapse of a blink… We have been important.

The psychological/emotional aspect of courting.

Guys, whether they admit it or not, crave for things that would boost their self-esteem. Often spills unto ego - but that’s just another dire need and desire for self-esteem. And if some girls are smart enough, they will rely on a guy they like…. or at least let him know that they rely on him, for little things at first, easy things. "I have been able to help her! I have been able to be useful for her!" - the feeling of exhilaration. Happiness. Happiness comes from giving - the ability to be able to give. to have someone we can give to… someone we can love. love? or Love? I should add that girls and guys look for different things in the companionship - emotional assurance.

"he needs to be your hero" … i read that somewhere. prince charming that comes to the rescue in shining armour and on a white stallion.  "she needs to be your princess" ?

lol

…

how about me?
knowing those things, i am a guy too. and i do behave like one, quite a lot of times. but sometimes, i would choose to be immuned to … nature?
except if i find a really amaizing girl and all logic fails me  =D  lol.

p.s… this was poorly written :p but i just wanted to have fun and blog some thoughts shall write it better next time

Child crying, crying out to his parent but the parent is silent. The parent is angry - or quiet - to teach a lesson to the child. And the child cries out louder, more insistantly - he won’t do it anymore. He doesn’t want to feel this rejection anymore. Yes, that’s what he is feeling now: Rejection. Because he did something his parent told him not to, and that’s the painful price to pay for it: Rejection.

Quote from "The Inner Voice of Love - A journey through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen.

Go into the place of your pain.

"You have to live through your pain gradually and thus deprive it of its power over you. Yes, you must go into the place of your pain, but only when you have gained some new ground. When you enter your pain simply to experience it in its rawness, it can pull you away from where you want to go.

What is your pain? It is the experience of not receiving what you most need. It is a place of emptiness where you feel sharply the absence of the love you most desire. To go back to that place is hard, because you are confronted there with your wounds as well as with your powerlessness to heal yourself. You are so afraid of that place that you think of it as a place of death. Your instinct of survival makes you run away and go looking for something else that can give you a sense of at-homeness, even though you know full well that it can’ be found out in the world.

You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love. As long as you do not trust that place beyond your emptiness, you cannot safely re-enter the place of pain.

So you have to go into the place of your pain with the knowledge in your heart that you have already found the new place. You have already tasted some of its fruits. The more roots you have in the new place, the more capable you are of mourning the loss of the old place and letting go of the pain that lies there. You cannot mourn something that has not died. Still, the old pains, attachments, and desires that once meant so much to you need to be burried.

You have to weep over your lost pains so that they can gradually leave you and you can become free to live fully in the new place without melancholy or homesickness."

…
That’s what i have been avoiding lately - my pain. Pain of Loneliness, of emptiness… And … that’s what He wanted for me, because that was what i needed. So i broke the link, broke the contact… put down the phone, shut the door, turned my back…. and i was even more alone - the one thing i didn’t want, i burdened myself even more with it.

"Spoken for" by "Mercy Me" …. wow.
One of those christian songs i downloaded eons ago and never really bothered listening to beyond the mere melody.
Holy Spirit - combination of many things, many elements, and He can touch the soul deeper than any thing. And i broke down.

"To hear you say - This one is mine" said the song…

To hear Jesus say "This one is mine" , to know that He wants Me… that He loves me… *faint smile* and healing begins.
And me crying out to Him.

But Jesus, i was looking for him "there" , out there, somewhere. But He wasn’t there… He wasn’t like the parent, waiting, not making the first move. He was closer than anybody could be. He was Here, not by my side, but within. temple of the Holy Spirit.
…nobody can be that close. Nobody can Know me better - not even myself.

Let love be real

Let love be real, in giving and receiving,
without the need to manage and to own;
a haven free from posing and pretending,
where every weakness may be safely known.
Give me your hand, along the desert pathway,
give me your love wherever we may go:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.

Let love be real, not grasping or confining,
that strange embrace that holds yet sets us free;
that helps us face the risk of truly living,
and makes us brave to be what we might be.
Give me your strength when all my words are weakness,
give me your love in spite of all you know:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.

Let love be real, with no manipulation,
no secret wish to harness or control;
let us accept each other’s incompleteness,
and share the joy of learning to be whole.
Give me your hope through dreams and disappointments,
give me your trust when all my failings show:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.

We all have this knawing feeling that we are not good enough. Paradoxicaly, though all have this feeling, we often fail to realise and see it in those we "cotoyer" (how come english has no proper translation for that word?) "spend a lot of time with, rub shoulders with". Even less so, appreciate it.

As soon as we see "Samishii" - this feeling of loneliness in someone else, crying for attention, be it gently or loudly, we run away. Because we dare not face the loneliness that is deep within us too. In a way, we hate the other because we see something we hate about ourselves reflected there. (now, learning not to run away is in itself a whole life-lesson. To dare face the unpleasant; and even more - dare face the unpleasant things within us that is reflected in the other person. And thus self-love would help us love the other, and vice versa: loving the other despite those things we dislike, would help us in turn love the part of ourselves that we’d rather shun away)
I digressed…
…But loneliness is a universal feeling. We all are lonely, for we all are unique (think i’m repeating myself, but that’s from Henri Nouwen). Nobody else is like us. Which makes our uniqueness, our beauty, but also hence our loneliness.
I digressed again…
…Feeling like we are not good enough.
(note: digression is the consequence of writing at 5am, in a very sleepy state, after a very long day).
This thought came to me with the parallel realisation of a very unique cultural trait of Japan: mutual affirmations. It’s amaizing. It’s in the voice, in the mannerism, in the overly and overtly excited comments and "Sugoi ne!"’s. The mutual support system of this country is really incredible. If you want to feel good, come to Japan!

Maybe unconsiously, they have realised the importance of affirmations. We all are in need of affirmations, to feel good by someone’s appraisal. Think of the testimonies on friendster - that’s inherent in the culture here. I shall not talk about the absolute sincerity of it all - it is a cultural trait. (no need to question about the sincerity of the "red" ang-pow, and chinese firecrackers are red. not white. Cultural. White firecrackers for CNY are simply "yucks". Same concept for a Japan without appraisals.
As for myself, i can’t get myself to congratulate someone for something i don’t feel commendable. Thus trying hard to find "real" things to complement about. wow. different experience. *read: hard.*

wanted to talk about the fact that every one of us is looking for appraisal - and thus it is probably very good that Japan has it already deep rooted and "incruste" in its culture.

- we want to look good, wear nice clothes , for some; be the first, the most intelligent, the brilliant one of the class, of the school, of the country , for others. Have the nicest car, a jaguar coupe why not, to impress all those passbyers… 
etc.
looking for affirmation.

Wanted to add: thesethings eventually never make us happy. It does boost our ego, make us feel better about ourselves, but there lies the danger: the source of that "feeling good" is in ourselves. our successes. And that drives us to try to be better still. Still better looking, still nicer car, still nicer clothes. and it never ends.
That is not the road leading to peace.

I am lonely. my neighbour is lonely too. we are all lonely - all simple humans. And thus loneliness can unite instead of divide. Hopefully unite in a life-giving way! not a mutual clinging to each other, suffocating the relationship and draining more than anything else.

i am sleepy.
think that was a messy ending.
anyway.